Shame
Like a blow to my ego, if I have any left- the news could hardly affect me. I wasn’t stubborn, I was emotionally numb. I had to match their expectations, but still it bore no fruit.
That was a wrong mentality. Authorities are not always right. The higher powers are not infallible.
It was like any other day. The registrar was performing his usual ward round. He is a great doctor, nothing can be said against him. Inappropriate gestures and jokes aside, he is the epitome of a modern day physician.
A patient spoke to him that day with a sense of regret that was almost incomprehensible. He was not unwell, admitted for social reasons, and he was bothered by his burden on his doctors. In a tone of commiseration, the doctor deigned, whilst maintaining the patient’s dignity, and explained that he was paid to look after patients. It was his job, and he was paid to do it. Medicine is like any other job. Bankers are paid to look after our money, so are doctors paid to look after us. No, it is not a glorified profession. They are like any other.
The modern day doctor sits in the panel of judges. He looks through applicants and interviews them.
Why do you want to be a doctor?
The ones who have passed this test would know this is a trick question. An answer suggestive of nobility is chastised as naivety. And if I were to attend the interview again, I would still be a perceived as a naive person. They want to listen to answers suggestive of professionalism, and nobility is not born of professionalism, rather of naivety.
What is the perfect answer? The answer that would impress the interviewer? We all know the answer. It’s not difficult.
It is deeply disconcerting that a sense of righteousness must now be so regimented, so conceding to a implicit ministry of justice.
I am changing, this is undeniable. But I must remain the same. I must remember the reason I came here. I will change, but yet remain the same. The core values that distinguish me as an individual must remain. The outcome is an emotional struggle within. I hope I would emerge from this wrangle not a winner, but the person He wants me to be.
I once told Him: Lord, at this moment, I have to give you up and focus on my studies. But this can’t be the case. To give Him up is to give up everything I’ve worked for. Who do I live for? I made a decision to live for myself, and look where it has taken me. I have to make a turn around and reset my sights on Him, because He is my reason.
Selflessness and to live my life for others. This is His command, not mine.
I want a comfortable life. Medicine is the safest option at this moment because I know once I have graduated I will be guaranteed a job. Say what you want, but we all know this is the most agreeable answer.
What does He want? What do You want? If I continue to struggle, at least I have You to comfort me. I have once hated You for the disappointments You threw at me. However, if I must fail, I will fail. But at least, if I fail with You by my side, I will be comforted by Your presence.
You say I do not get because I do not ask. And if I must ask, I must ask not for personal pleasures, but with Your commands in mind. Therefore I ask You of this, I ask that I will be the doctor You want me to be. And no judgement from them would affect my belief. This is my faith in You. I hope You will answer this prayer.
